Here’s a little secret many parents do not know: when you stop trying to control your child, they will behave better! Recent psychological and neurodevelopmental research tells us that in the long term, children behave best and are happiest when they are NOT CONTROLLED! The difference lies in external versus internal motivation.
External motivation is when you are motivated by encouragement or the potential of punishment to change your behavior. Bribery is the best example of external motivation: “If you eat your broccoli you can have a cookie.” External motivation is control. It teaches children to behave according to your feelings and not their own. While external motivation techniques (bribery, threats, and punishment) may indeed produce children who behave well in the short term, it does not create long-term internal motivation.
Internal motivation is derived from a need to connect, grow and love. It comes from within and is true authenticity. It is being kind to others because you care for them not because you’ll get in trouble if you don’t. Research tells us that those motivated to behave based on internal motivation are much happier and fulfilled.
Steps you can take to stop controlling your child:
1. Stop Bribing.
Not sure if you are guilty of bribery? Most bribes sound like this, “If you ____, you can ______.” I.e., If you eat your dinner, you can have dessert; If you take your nap, we can go to the park. Then there’s the bribe that has been passed down among generations, “If you are good, Santa will come.”
2. Stop Threatening.
Threats and bribes are very similar, except that where bribes offer an incentive, threats create fear of taking something away. Children who are motivated by fear grow up to be anxious, unhappy adults.
3. Stop Punishing.
Like threatening, punishment creates motivation by fear. Children are not animals and do not need to be hurt physically or emotionally in order to be socially competent beings. Even time-outs, considered by many to be a more gentle form of punishment, rarely teach the lesson parents hope their children will learn.
4. Be brave enough to challenge society.
Raising an emotionally secure child requires emotionally secure parents and caregivers. But don’t wait until you are secure to challenge society. Children need you to protect them and to fight for their rights now. Children have just as much right to occupy space, time and sound as adults do.
Afterall, is it more important that your child is happy or what others think of your parenting? I encourage you to make changes. Bribes, threats, punishments and forcing children to conform are often unconscious habits. Every day I have to remind myself and I often slip up (especially with bribing to eat veggies). I consider my parenting to be a work in progress, just like life. The responsibility of raising emotionally healthy children goes beyond focusing on them and requires you to grow.